I went for an MRI of my liver on January 16. I got the results via the portal on Sunday. “Consistent with metastazised disease.” Doctor-speak for cancer. This is the second time for me; the first being kidney cancer in 2008, when my right kidney got removed. Now it’s back in the liver. I don’t know if it’s operable–I’m waiting for my PCP to give me a call with the official diagnosis and next steps.

I haven’t told my kid, who is dealing with his own issues of having seizures in public places (he doesn’t want to go out and end up in the hospital if he has a seizure, so he prefers to be homebound). He approaches me at 4 this morning saying he doesn’t think he should go with me to the doctor’s today because he had a “mild” seizure last night. He wants me to change the appointment. I already have. Twice because of him being scared. I refuse to change appointments anymore because of him. I can get around in my wheelchair without him.

Yes, I’m in a wheelchair when I go out. I fell once and the drivers don’t want the liability of me transferring into a vehicle (even though I can do it) so now I have to take a wheelchair van to doctor and dialysis appointments. I can Uber/Lyft in a pinch, but not with the big wheelchair. I have a transport wheelchair for in case of that reason. It’s a smaller wheelchair and fits in the trunk. But I have to be pushed in it. The big sheelchair I can push myself. Slowly, but I can.

I want to remain as independent as possible. If chemo is warranted, then I’ll have no time to do anything other than dialysis and chemo. No time for fun or even doctors’ appointments.

But then, I may not have to worry about it.