A Grimoire

I said to myself that I’m not going to talk politics in this blog. I have Opinions ™ like everyone else. But I have no where else to put them.

I voted for Trump three times. I’m not a MAGA Republican, though I’m a registered Republican in a very, very blue sanctuary city. Don’t get me started about sanctuaries. Though I voted for him this last time, I now have buyer’s remorse. This guy is clueless.

I am an America First Republican. As soon as he went after Venezuela, I thought “foreign war, foreign war”. I agreed to pull out of NATO. I agreed even to kick out the UN. I agreed that Europe needs to put its two cents in. But as soon as he hit Iran, he lost all foreign credibility for me.

Domestically, even though I don’t have a car, gas prices effect me with higher grocery and Uber prices. Although I’m a Republican, I’m not Conservative. I’m not fiscally responsible and don’t mind the debt. I’m not Christian. I’m pro-choice. Although I’ve found myself at the end of sexual harassment (such as it is now), I’m not into the whole Me Too movement.

I think Progressives are just crazy. I don’t want biological men playing in women’s sports. And don’t get me started on trans in general–okay, so I’m Republican when it comes to that. I’m not sure of Socialism; since I’m relying on the government for my health care, I’d be a hypocrite if I said I was against it.

Speaking of hypocrite, back to Trump. There’s nothing we can do except attack at the ballot box. Even then, the people who are running are crazy left or Puritan right. No ICE? More ICE? WTF? Nothing in between, and that’s what ticks me off. All politicians are liars and cheats, out for themselves, especially Trump.

Who is clueless.

I’ve been pretty spiritual lately. First off, I’m a pagan, but not Wiccan. I follow the tenets of the Old Gods, of different pantheons as needed. For example, the above picture is my altar which is above my computer.

Apollo is on the left. He’s my go-to for healing and prose. Persephone for renewal, perseverance, and love or hope in the depths of despair in the middle. Thoth is for the discipline of writing (we haven’t had much communication lately). Between Apollo and Persephone is a tiny statue of Fortuna. It’s tiny because I can’t find a big statue of her that resonates with me. The brass censer is in the middle, and that’s where I do my offerings in the mornings or as needed.

Back to being spiritual. I want to give thanks fo the Goddess for giving me comfort and healing. Although my back constantly hurts, with Tylenol, it’s tolerable. Some days it’s more tolerable than others. Some days I have to lie down for a couple of hours to ease the stress on it. I thank the Goddess (and Apollo) for helping me realize when I need to stop and rest. “Self care” is one of those buzzwords that I never understood. I do now.

I thank the Goddess for giving me the blessings of my son. Yeah, some days, he’s a PITA. But a lot of days, he’s the best kid I could ever ask for. He helps me when I’m down, figuratively and literally. Yes, he had to pick me up off the floor a few times. He always makes me laugh, and he always tries to make me feel good. He worries about me, which keeps me going.

I thank the Goddess for the roof over my head. We were going to move, but it seems we’re stuck here because otherwise, I’d lose Medicaid. I would get a lot of money from this house which would go to a mobile home, but I wouldn’t be able to afford the HOA, or rent on the land. As it is, I can barely afford property taxes and house insurance here. So I have to deal with a 10-room colonial with stairs, and live on the second floor. It’ll cost an insane amount of money to fix this house: I need to fix the porch, the driveway, the floor in the bathroom, the second floor bathroom…dear Gods, this place needs work.

I’ve cracked open a some books that I read when I’m spiritual. Scott Cunningham’s Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. The Koran. The Bible. DBT for Bipolar Disorder. A Jungian Reader. I try to meditate–try being the operative word. I’m too anxious to meditate effectively, so I end up falling asleep. I read more about Tarot because I’m always learning with those cards. (You all know how crazy I am about cards…)

To the world, I’m Unitarian Universalist. Whatever you believe, all the more power to you. Just don’t make us (my son and I) believe it too. Yes, my son is a Norse Pagan, and I’m so proud of that.

Today I have a realtor coming to talk about selling the house. I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of years now. I plan to sell this 3 bed, 2 bath colonial house and go into a mobile home that is more handicapped accessible. I almost fell down the stairs yesterday. That’s a sign.

My problem is that my credit score is so bad. It’s REALLY bad. Even though I’ll be able to pay cash for a mobile home, the parks need me to have a certain credit score to get in. I need to go with a credit repair company.

The house can be sold, there is no doubt. I need a place to go. I will not go into a condo (they’re usually two floors) or an apartment. Yeah, I’m being a jerk, but these are things I need. If I’m going to live somewhere, I might as well like it.

I’m trying. I’m really trying.
Sci-fi is not my jam, but I pulled this up after hearing the author passed away and that this is considered a classic. I wanted to read one “classic” book a year, and this one was it.
But boy, oh, boy, is it a slog.

My mantra in life is “Life’s too short to read bad books.” This is probably not a bad book. But I just don’t like it. I haven’t even gotten out of the Prologue (Yes, I’m reading the prologue, a pet peeve of mine). Is Hyperion dated? Should I try a different “classic”? The other ones are the Lord of the Rings but I don’t want to slog through the first book for the third time as a refresher. I’ve read the Dragonlance books, Ted Williams’ books, and other classic fantasy books. Jim Butcher writes classic fantasy.
I don’t know what I’m looking for. My 300+ TBR pile is calling, but I’ve tried Oldest book first, random selections, Newest book first and I’ve finished only two books this year. I’m not counting the books and stories I’m editing. Maybe I should.

I went food shopping for the first time in a year. We’d been using Instacart and DoorDash and other delivery services.

Unfortunately, I’m in a wheelchair now. I can no longer stand on my own. Even with a walker, I teeter back and forth. At first, I went through the store in the wheelchair without feet, but my legs were at the bottom of a cart. I felt like I was driving an 18-wheeler through narrow streets. And it was busy!

Two weeks later, my son and I went to another supermarket. Not as busy, but this time I was able to use the scooter that the store provided. It took me two accidents to finally get a hang of the thing. I realized a few things while sitting in the scooter, trying to shop.

1. Nothing is easy to get.
   Opening doors in the frozen food aisle is impossible. Buying meat is almost as bad, especially if you want the stuff high up. Forget getting two-liter soda bottles above your head. Bring someone to help.
   
2. Eye level items when you’re sitting down is the most expensive.
   I know that it’s a marketing scheme, as that’s kid’s eye level. I have to look way up, or way down.
   
3. Aisles are too narrow.
   I crashed into two set-ups because the turns were not tight enough. When I go in an aisle to get one thing, my choice is to continue up the aisle instead of turning around. Which takes longer to shop.
   
4. Checking out is a nightmare.
   Some stores can’t detach the card reader. It’s hard to negotiate the cart, the scooter, and the bags. And packing the car…I was worthless. I just sat there while my son and my driver loaded up the car.

Throughout, I felt like I couldn’t get anything without help. How can people live this way? And now that there’s snow everywhere, I can’t use the sidewalks. Not that I go anywhere much anymore. Though when spring comes, I hope to go outside for some sun.

This week, we’re going to a sushi buffet restaurant. My son is going to have to make plates for me and I hope they have something for a handicapped woman to sit at. Yup, I’m going to rate places based on their handicapped-accessability. Something new, maybe I can monetize it.

The tumor is benign. They said it’s adrenal cells growing so close to the liver that it looks like it’s on the liver. It’s not cancerous.

What a relief.

Got the report back. The lesion itself is benign. However the surrounding cells are cancerous, specifically adrenal cancer cells. Of all things! I am supposed to see the doctor on the 16th, and hopefully will get clarification then.

I read this book on Kindle. Even with the images, I could read and understand the story.

It was great. I loved Pip (what a name???) and was glad, but the ending was bad. I won’t spoil it except to say it seemed improbable, even after the confessions.

Pip is a senior in Fairview High School, doing her capstone project on the murder of Andie Bell and trying to find Sal Singh innocent of the crime. So many spiderwebs and connections, stories of murder, rape, and drugs. So many “This person did it, no this one…” It was a fun trip. I thought it was an abusive father, but it wasn’t (I’m not glad about it). If you go down that road, it’s the wrong one!

I have surrendered.

I bought earpods for my phone (not Apple Airpods–too cheap for that!). My kid, since almost birth, has had phones in his ears, listening to music and podcasts. I gave up and decided to try to listen to music during downtimes, and while waiting for…whatever. It was hard the first day, and I ended up falling asleep, losing half an hour of the below audiobook. It was during dialysis, so that happens often.

While wearing the headphones, it felt weird–and rude. I was listening to the music or spoken word in one ear, and not hearing everything going on with the other. How can my son do this without being rude? I guess it takes practice.

I started Norse Mythology over two years ago and dipped into it here and there. It wasn’t bad. Pretty flat. I knew some of the stories, but not the cross-dressing Thor. Did Marvel do that? They should.

I am going to try it again tomorrow, again at dialysis, both going to and from and waiting for the rides.

Today I had a CT scan. Wednesday, February 6, I had the biopsy. The PA said the results may be available next week. The “lesion” (aka tumor) on my liver is near my lung, so I had to lie on my side for the procedure. It felt like they thrust a spatula into my side and dug out the tissue. I had to get three x-rays of my lungs to make sure the PA didn’t nick it while digging at my liver. Fun times.