A Grimoire

I bought a new website. tarotythoughts.com I will attempt to empty out my brain about tarot, showcase my cards, and discuss all things tarot/oracle. Books, cards, meanings, all that kind of thing.

I got a hospital bed. It’s small, uncomfortable, and hot. I’ll have to pump up my ride with a mattress topper or something. No falls this week, which is good. Also didn’t gain a lot of weight. I’m leaving dialysis at 92 kg. You do the calculations.

Also, I got the Omnipod 5, which is the newest insulin pump. In three weeks I’ll go for “training” in how to use it and program it using my phone. Yet another reason to keep my phone next to me. It also reads the Dexcom G7 information and adjusts the insulin based on my actual glucose reading. Technology, when it works, is amazing.

I haven’t done any writing this week. I did a lot of slush reading in Cupid’s Arrow. The Director is planning on opening it up for submissions next year. I don’t know how I feel about that. In a way, I want him to dump that imprint, but romance sells. Unfortunately, we don’t have the people to go to events to put our name out there. That’s the thing. People like books. There’s a huge romance fan base. We just have to find them. And two people, doing most of the work, for three imprints, is tough. He does a lot of the work. I just do the editing and other fun stuff.

My therapist said something this week that I have kept in my brain. “You are the strongest person I know.” Really? REALLY? It makes my heart swell with that. And that is my affirmation for the week. “Be strong.”

My computer died.

But luckily, I have Number One Son’s old desktop. Unfortunately, it’s connected to his laptop so I can’t delete stuff. Meanwhile, this C drive is 75% full.

So I have to be careful what I download. Only the necessary stuff.

I think I lost my novels and programs such as Sirius 4.1 (astrology), Scrivener (novel writing). I don’t use them very often, but it’s nice to have them. I lost 380 books that I downloaded into my book tracking program. Of course I backed it up…on my old computer’s C drive!

Good news, maybe, is I have a backup somewhere on Dropbox. Also all my shortcuts in Chrome and Edge carried over (thank the Gods), so I can still work for The Publisher. Outlook won’t work, so I need to load my work email into something else. I have access, but it’s bare-bones and web-based.

It could have been much worse.

The first rule of Fall Club: Call the ambulance.

I fell twice this week. The first time was because I let go of the walker, stumbled backwards, tripped over my own feet, and fell sideways. Number One Son helped me get up. We didn’t call the ambulance. The second time, I passed out on my chair, which is broken and doesn’t have a functioning right armrest. I was doing work, then the next thing I knew I was on the floor and I hit my head. Now we called the ambulance.

I spent Friday in Miriam Hospital’s ER from 11-4. It wasn’t any more unusual than going to dialysis. I had my phone and headphones, and listened to the radio, so the time passed okay. CAT scan and Chest X-ray didn’t show any fractures, bleeds, or other damage. Just a bump and swelling that makes my right eye look half closed.

Number One Son needs to be with me all the time when I move, it seems. The nurse will call me tomorrow and probably suggest rehab again. That’s a no, NO, hell no.

The other thing is that my kidney has totally failed. No urinating for three days. Could be because I’m being very cautious with my fluids, but when I went to the hospital, they gave me half a bag of saline, and I had nothing to drink until I got home, which caused me to gain 3 liters of fluid. They did it because my BP was low, like 84/45. They wouldn’t let me go until the BP was at least 100 for the top number.

I’m home now. Being extra cautious. And waiting on Number One Son to babysit me. So glad he’s around. Don would be doing the same thing. We’re getting close to our anniversary. I miss him.

I have decided to adopt, as there are no stray cats around here anymore. For the past two weeks, I’ve been looking for a female black cat.

OMG, these shelters. Scruffy Paws, my favorite in the area, won’t accept me because I have no vet on call. Ten Lives Cat Rescue won’t return my calls and I’ve filled out a lot of applications with them. Providence Animal Rescue League (PARL), adult cats cost $175. RISPCA has no black females.

I talked to Number One Son, and he wants a dog. That would be fine, a medium sized one, as we have no pets in the house anymore. I looked at some of those. Hotel for Homeless Dogs had a few, but they charge $600 to adopt. Pawtucket Animal Shelter, up to $190.

I understand you have to pay for spay/neuter. The Hotel transfers puppies from the south (as if we don’t have enough up here????) so you’re paying for the transport, vet visits, food and shots and other upkeep.

Animal Rescue Rhode Island is the only one who contacted me with an approval, and they have 2 black females. Unfortunately, it’s another $60 one way trip with Uber because it is at the bottom of the state. Cats are $175, dogs are $325.

Like I can come up with this money in an instant. I think we should just feed the birds.

Okay, so I listen to too much radio.

This is my playlist from the Sirius XM app on my computer. My favorites are on the top row. I listen to CNN in the afternoon because too much Fox gets repetitive.

The past year I’ve been hanging on 70’s music. It reminds me of my childhood, because I could remember the records and 8-tracks my mom used to buy. She let me pick the music to listen to while cleaning. I felt like an adult when I plugged in the 8-track of ABBA’s Greatest Hits and turned it way up.

Lithium and 1st Wave are my go to’s. After college and during college respectively. Lots of memories with Nirvana and R.E.M.

60’s Gold is a little far back for me, but mom used to listen to a lot of Motown and Elvis. Good thing my father didn’t notice, or didn’t care. (He listened to country and Ray Stevens.) 60’s music is coming back, or at least sampling it.

I discovered Happy Oldies and it’s one of my favorite stations. If you have the Sirius XM app, give it a try. You’ll say to yourself, “Oh, I haven’t heard this song in ages!” and crank it up.

I also discovered Turbo because they played Rage Against the Machine (I wasn’t much of a fan in college, but I liked them when I was older). Then I discovered Soundgarden and Godsmack and I was addicted to this station while I wrote the Grimaulkin and War Mage series. They’re a little angsty for that reason.

The others on the second row are only on the app, and I go to them if the top row sucks at that moment in time. The app will show you the song they’re playing, and even if I get in the middle of a song when I change stations, that’s okay.

So now you know my secret sauce when I write.

So. I have had more needles stuck in me for the past few weeks than I’d like.

My right middle finger kept sticking closed. (Into my palm. Not open or I’d have a lot of explaining to do.) Tried cortizol shots. No dice. Surgery was the other option. So okay, why not? I had to get clearance from my cardiologist because of heart issues, cleared by my endocrinologist, nephrologist, and PCP. This is what happens when you have co-morbidities–everyone has to put their two cents in.

Had the surgery two weeks ago. My hand was wrapped up in a soft cast, and I had it taken off on the 27th. Surgery is successful, although it messed up my head line with an additional scar.

My left middle finger is now doing the same thing. I can’t do anything about it, unfortunately, because that is the side my dialysis graft is on. According to the nephrologist, “It’ll never heal.” And, not to mention, blow up my graft if you put a tourniquet anywhere on my arm. I’ll live with it.

Meanwhile, I’ve been Ubering places. Even though I don’t have to worry anymore about maintenance and upkeep of my own vehicle, we get to ride in all kinds of nice cars and SUV’s (Tesla FTW, but could barely fit the transport wheelchair in its trunk), It’s expensive. There’s a couple of shelters I’d like to go to for cats–or a small-to-medium dog–but it’ll take me at least $25 on a one way trip to get to the local animal shelter. And I’d have to use the “pet option” which charges an extra $5-$10.

Hopefully, that will be the end of medical issues for me.

Okay, I’ll admit–this was a great book. A four star because I didn’t like the end. and the main character was way too smart.

This is the first book this year that I read without looking to see how much longer I had to read. I read John Scalzi’s Old Man’s War and it’s one of my favorites. He’s a prolific writer. I might pick up a few others of his.

The main character’s uncle leaves him with the family business. We learn about what it is and who is in charge (the cats, as they should be). The dolphins have read Marx and don’t want to be controlled. I was not going to be surprised if he had kamikaze dolphins. I’m sure Scalzi thought of it and said, “Nobody would believe that.” If he only knew.

This is in my read and liked pile.

Krimson passed over the Rainbow Bridge at 3 this morning. Right in front of me. He took his last gasp and just froze. It’s something I can’t unsee in my mind. I have regrets with this one; did I do enough for him? I also realized I have no emergency money. I really need to stop spending down to nothing. And stop taking out payday loans that takes up a third of my disability pay.

We had to Uber ($60 one way) because I have no car. Luckily–I mean, seriously lucky–my publisher sent me an advance to cover that and Krimson’s cremation. Again, no emergency money. I don’t know what we would have done if he hadn’t come through. Bury him in a shallow grave in the back yard? (That’s illegal.)

But that’s enough of the “what if”s that send me into a depressive spiral. I need to find a comedy to get me out of this. I’m reading Starter Villain by John Scalzi and it fits the bill. Review of that coming in a week or so.

We have no cats. It’s been years since I haven’t had a pet. My son wants a dog. I wouldn’t mind, but we don’t have the room for a big dog, and I don’t like small ones. Dogs are higher maintenance than cats. He doesn’t realize it.

My son considered Krimson his brother. He was so brave wrapping him in a blanket and putting him in the carrier. (This means a seizure is due so I have to be careful the next couple of days.)

So for today, I mourn. I already miss your cat butt in my face when I go to sleep.

DNF

I didn’t realize this was YA until I started reading it. I’ve read YA–and wrote it. They’re fast reads, so I decided to stick with it for a while.

Imagine contemporary technology used with an Egyptian backdrop? I had a hard time with that.

The writing is pretty good, crisp and tight. But it’s a female protag, a Romantasy element, present tense, and first person who seems to accept everything as it happens. These are red lines for me. When a mystery is added to the story, I didn’t care. Too much stuff going on, and I know she’s not going to solve everything in 80 or so pages. This was a good teaser novel for the first book in the series.

But I don’t have time for that.

I fell four times this week. Two were out of bed, and two when I lost my balance trying to feed the cat. One I went to the hospital for and they x-rayed my entire right side. No broken or fractured bones. The out-of-bed was because my mattress is too big for my bed. I have found that I can climb into my “big comfy chair” and once I’m there, I can haul myself into the chair and get up that way. My son is there to help by giving me a little push or using the gait belt I bought to lift me up.

All of a sudden, my legs now feel like lead, especially the right side. I can’t tell where my foot or leg is in space. I have to watch where I put my foot and leg because I run over my foot with the walker. Going up and down stairs scares me. Luckily I had someone put in a railing. And my son lifts me up when I go up the stairs. I lead off with my left, haul myself up with the railing, dragging the right leg up. Every time I take the stairs (which I have to because the bathroom , bed, and computer are there) I’m so scared of falling down them. So far, I almost fell down once when I missed a step.

I have a Life-Alert. I also have a button that rings in his room so he can come down and help me. What would be good is to have a house with no stairs! I was going to sell my house, but if I did that, I’d lose Medicaid for about three years when I spend the money I make from the house. I would flip it to a mobile home, but I can’t afford the HOA fees (the rent on the land). I could afford it at the 55+ communities, but then if something happens to me, my son would get kicked out.

So, yes, my house scares me.