A Grimoire

Today I have a realtor coming to talk about selling the house. I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of years now. I plan to sell this 3 bed, 2 bath colonial house and go into a mobile home that is more handicapped accessible. I almost fell down the stairs yesterday. That’s a sign.

My problem is that my credit score is so bad. It’s REALLY bad. Even though I’ll be able to pay cash for a mobile home, the parks need me to have a certain credit score to get in. I need to go with a credit repair company.

The house can be sold, there is no doubt. I need a place to go. I will not go into a condo (they’re usually two floors) or an apartment. Yeah, I’m being a jerk, but these are things I need. If I’m going to live somewhere, I might as well like it.

I’m trying. I’m really trying.
Sci-fi is not my jam, but I pulled this up after hearing the author passed away and that this is considered a classic. I wanted to read one “classic” book a year, and this one was it.
But boy, oh, boy, is it a slog.

My mantra in life is “Life’s too short to read bad books.” This is probably not a bad book. But I just don’t like it. I haven’t even gotten out of the Prologue (Yes, I’m reading the prologue, a pet peeve of mine). Is Hyperion dated? Should I try a different “classic”? The other ones are the Lord of the Rings but I don’t want to slog through the first book for the third time as a refresher. I’ve read the Dragonlance books, Ted Williams’ books, and other classic fantasy books. Jim Butcher writes classic fantasy.
I don’t know what I’m looking for. My 300+ TBR pile is calling, but I’ve tried Oldest book first, random selections, Newest book first and I’ve finished only two books this year. I’m not counting the books and stories I’m editing. Maybe I should.

I went food shopping for the first time in a year. We’d been using Instacart and DoorDash and other delivery services.

Unfortunately, I’m in a wheelchair now. I can no longer stand on my own. Even with a walker, I teeter back and forth. At first, I went through the store in the wheelchair without feet, but my legs were at the bottom of a cart. I felt like I was driving an 18-wheeler through narrow streets. And it was busy!

Two weeks later, my son and I went to another supermarket. Not as busy, but this time I was able to use the scooter that the store provided. It took me two accidents to finally get a hang of the thing. I realized a few things while sitting in the scooter, trying to shop.

1. Nothing is easy to get.
   Opening doors in the frozen food aisle is impossible. Buying meat is almost as bad, especially if you want the stuff high up. Forget getting two-liter soda bottles above your head. Bring someone to help.
   
2. Eye level items when you’re sitting down is the most expensive.
   I know that it’s a marketing scheme, as that’s kid’s eye level. I have to look way up, or way down.
   
3. Aisles are too narrow.
   I crashed into two set-ups because the turns were not tight enough. When I go in an aisle to get one thing, my choice is to continue up the aisle instead of turning around. Which takes longer to shop.
   
4. Checking out is a nightmare.
   Some stores can’t detach the card reader. It’s hard to negotiate the cart, the scooter, and the bags. And packing the car…I was worthless. I just sat there while my son and my driver loaded up the car.

Throughout, I felt like I couldn’t get anything without help. How can people live this way? And now that there’s snow everywhere, I can’t use the sidewalks. Not that I go anywhere much anymore. Though when spring comes, I hope to go outside for some sun.

This week, we’re going to a sushi buffet restaurant. My son is going to have to make plates for me and I hope they have something for a handicapped woman to sit at. Yup, I’m going to rate places based on their handicapped-accessability. Something new, maybe I can monetize it.

The tumor is benign. They said it’s adrenal cells growing so close to the liver that it looks like it’s on the liver. It’s not cancerous.

What a relief.

Got the report back. The lesion itself is benign. However the surrounding cells are cancerous, specifically adrenal cancer cells. Of all things! I am supposed to see the doctor on the 16th, and hopefully will get clarification then.

I read this book on Kindle. Even with the images, I could read and understand the story.

It was great. I loved Pip (what a name???) and was glad, but the ending was bad. I won’t spoil it except to say it seemed improbable, even after the confessions.

Pip is a senior in Fairview High School, doing her capstone project on the murder of Andie Bell and trying to find Sal Singh innocent of the crime. So many spiderwebs and connections, stories of murder, rape, and drugs. So many “This person did it, no this one…” It was a fun trip. I thought it was an abusive father, but it wasn’t (I’m not glad about it). If you go down that road, it’s the wrong one!

I have surrendered.

I bought earpods for my phone (not Apple Airpods–too cheap for that!). My kid, since almost birth, has had phones in his ears, listening to music and podcasts. I gave up and decided to try to listen to music during downtimes, and while waiting for…whatever. It was hard the first day, and I ended up falling asleep, losing half an hour of the below audiobook. It was during dialysis, so that happens often.

While wearing the headphones, it felt weird–and rude. I was listening to the music or spoken word in one ear, and not hearing everything going on with the other. How can my son do this without being rude? I guess it takes practice.

I started Norse Mythology over two years ago and dipped into it here and there. It wasn’t bad. Pretty flat. I knew some of the stories, but not the cross-dressing Thor. Did Marvel do that? They should.

I am going to try it again tomorrow, again at dialysis, both going to and from and waiting for the rides.

Today I had a CT scan. Wednesday, February 6, I had the biopsy. The PA said the results may be available next week. The “lesion” (aka tumor) on my liver is near my lung, so I had to lie on my side for the procedure. It felt like they thrust a spatula into my side and dug out the tissue. I had to get three x-rays of my lungs to make sure the PA didn’t nick it while digging at my liver. Fun times.

Biopsy is slated for Wednesday, February 4 and CT Scans Friday, February 6. My expectations are that the biopsy will show renal carcinoma, and the CT scans are negative.

I am dumping my BFF of 40+ years. First of all, she thinks she knows me. I’ve changed over the years. My favorite band is not The Police. It was when I was in high school. My favorite color is not black any more. She has no idea what I am now.
Secondly, she is not supportive. She is homebound because she is afraid of going out and falling. And her idea of support is telling me about all the people she knows who died of cancer, including her father. He had colon cancer that spread to his liver, and he was gone in three months after diagnosis.
Like I needed to hear that.
So I’m walking around with a big red “C” on my forehead, thinking I’ll die in three months. Because of that, I’m scared. Petrified. I don’t have my life in order! I don’t have a will. Nobody knows my wishes.
It’s all her fault for putting this in my head.

It seems I don’t have liver cancer. My kidney cancer has come back and attacked my liver. So technically, it’s not liver cancer? I always thought cancer is cancer and whatever organ it’s in is that kind of cancer. Seems there are different specialties and the oncologist I saw specializes in liver cancer.

Anyway, the next steps are a biopsy of the mass on my liver to find out if it is the kidney cancer come back, and a CT scan of the chest and pelvis just to be sure it’s not all over the place. Based on recent–within a year–images, it’s not everywhere, just localized in my liver, which is good. There’s a lot of new treatments, the oncologist said, like targeted therapies, but we’re not going to talk about that until the biopsy is done. That will probably be late this week, early next. Mother Nature has thrown a spanner in the works because of the winter storm, so everything will probably be off a couple of days.

My last post went off on my poor son. He’s a “prince” as a good friend called him. He’s been helpful, kind, and makes me laugh. He’s been morbid, talking about how he’s going to tell off my “BFF” and what he’s going to wear (his version of cosplay) at my funeral. I hope he doesn’t get forced into a suit. Anyway, he’s been the best anyone could ask for.

So now it’s a waiting game. Waiting for the appointments, waiting for results, waiting on doctors. Need to advocate for myself and be a squeaky wheel, which I’m not used to being.