I was Columbine before it existed

I did some uncovering today.

In March 1989, I wrote a poem called “revenge”. Basically, it was a fantasy of blowing someone’s head off.

I also wrote another poem called “Abandonment,” and a chapter from a novel “Blood And Roses” during my senior year of college. I presented these poems and stories to my English 300 class.

If you read this in 1989, you’d just think I’m a Stephen King fan or like horror. Reading it now, I don’t know now anyone can miss that I was just barely on the edge of sanity. They’d bring me to the Dean’s office lickety-split and I’d end up in the psych ward at the local hospital.

Instead, someone (I think the professor) scrawled across the bottom of the “revenge” poem, “BURN THIS.”

Obviously, I didn’t, as I carried that fury on with me to Hunter’s Realm/The Taurin epic fantasy I wrote. It’s chock full of hate and anger, and a Mary Sue character that makes me wince whenever she pronounces from on high. I kept the fury in the background in everything I wrote. Nothing I wrote was happy.

At the risk of turning off everyone from this blog or my writing, I’m going to be honest here. When I heard about Columbine, I will never forget my feelings while they gathered all the information on the two kids.

What a great idea.

By then, I was out of college and doing medical billing for a psych hospital (how ironic). I didn’t realize I had a “hit list”, a “plan”, and plenty of “opportunity.” As the years went by, I realize now that my obsession with mass shootings was because “Why didn’t I think of that?”

It wasn’t until 2019 when I got good therapy and the right meds. So after the last mass shooting, the one one at WalMart in Virginia, I felt sad. Not for the shooter, but for everyone else. I read his “manifesto” and my heart broke. Dude. I know what you were going through.

How can I reach these potential killers and tell them, “Hey, you’re not alone. I was like you. Then I got better. Here’s how.”

I still have to go through this box. This box that will uncover my dark side that no one understood. The dark side that I can look at now and realize what I was.

The Dark Box

And after that comes the diaries in my hope chest. How far back did this go?

The Muse tempts, but speeds off in her Ferrari

I have a vision of my Muse (Calliope) as Christie Brinkley in National Lampoon’s Vacation. She drives by saying, “You should write, honey!” I pull out a fresh notebook and write maybe two pages of introduction, and then…she’s gone. I tried using the computer, too, and that didn’t work–I got a scene out before she took off.

I tried editing my huge epic fantasy opus that I wrote in college (or was it right after college at my first receptionist job?) but got disgusted with how much work I was going to have to do to fix the wreck that it was. After three months, I finally put it aside this week and decided to try new things.

See paragraph above.

NanoWrimo went to hell after I got in the hospital on the first day of November, and was in for five days. Then Rhode Island Comic Con the weekend after I got out of the hospital, where I sold a few copies of my book, but I was concentrating on selling everyone else’s. I did a good job with that. I met John Barrowman! At the autograph table, I had a script prepared to tell him all about Grimaulkin. What did we talk about?

Pain meds.

See, he had thrown out his back and I had just gotten out of the hospital after going in with chest pain. So I knew about pain meds–all hail MORPHINE. He said that he had “hospital grade” meds but they made him loopy. His handler suggested he use them for the panel or the cosplay photo op he had coming up. I did have him sign the picture I brought (Torchwood) and he called me “lovely.” I blushed a million shades and said I’d see him tomorrow for a photo op.

My son, John Barrowman, and me.

After the ComicCon, I tried to write. Again, Calliope took off after tossing me a bone or two. I tried a Tamerlane story and got as far as Tamerlane meeting his next patron, and but no reason for her to meet him.

I looked up stuff in Submission Grinder, just to see if there was anything I could contribute to. I saw an entry for “Lost Atlantis” by Flame Tree Press. They were looking for stories of lost civilizations. I had read Four Lost Cities and Forgotten Civilizations of the Ancient World this year. Heck, Brothers of the Zodiac is set in Mesopotamia.

I started a new Word doc, thinking that might force the story out. Nope. I got an introductory scene with the main character out and that was it.

I need to stop reading non-fiction and watching murder mystery shows (Longmire, Columbo) because that’s all I’ve got in mind. Reading fiction is harder work. I have to hold the story in my head after I put it down for the night. If I put it down for the night. I can hold three, maybe four, storylines in my head at once.

I have decided that on December 1 I’m going to try and coerce, bribe, or beg Calliope to give me more than bones. I will prepare a place for her to come by and visit, and tell me a story.

Writing, with pain.

I have been writing, but I can only do about 500 words a day. I have tangled up tendons in my left thumb and arthritis in the joint. Not to mention carpal tunnel in both hands and tendonitis in the right arm.

The only thing I can do without pain is read.

My work in progress is entitled Don’t Believe in Miracles. It takes Tamerlane (a little bit of an asshole magician) into a world that he’s been trying to hide from most of his life. It might be a series. If I can get past the second chapter. I’ve plotted four chapters, trying not to overplot and kill the muse’s excitement.

I’ll put in reviews of books that I’ve read so far this year in another post.

Oh, dear. It’s been a while.

I’ve been so busy with journaling that I haven’t had a chance to keep up online. I’ve been doing some work for the publisher, as well, and that’s been keeping me busy, between podcasts and being a publishing minion.

I joined up with a virtual tarot group, and they do daily tarot/weekly meetings. Writual Society is by tarot readers, for tarot enthusiasts (I’m not the only one with 50 decks). I’ll discuss this group more in my other “Explorations of Spirit” blog.

Writing wise, I tried to write Aries II. But I overplotted and the fun was ripped right out of it. I plotted the whole thing out, and the story was told; so it was done.

I had an event for four hours in a farmers’ market, and realized that most of the people like cozy mysteries. I could write that. So I started a cozy, taking place on the Cape, at a family-owned auto detailing and repair shop. Sounds like a weird place for a mystery, but trust me, it can happen.

Game wise, I’ve been playing off and on because my left thumb hurts if I play too much. I mouse and select with my left hand because I trained myself to do that after surgery on my right hand, oh, about 20 years ago. I can’t write much, either, because that aggravates the right tennis elbow.

Dialysis still exists, and I’ve lost another 10 lbs. There’s a new diabetes drug that would cause me to lose an average of 50 lbs in a year. I’m all for that! But insurance won’t pay for it yet because it’s so new. However, if I “fail” the drug I’m on, they may be able to prove that this new drug will work better.

I’ll try and update this a little more often.

Max is back!

My WIP is Aries II, and I’ve been writing a little bit in it every day. Look for bits of it on Twitter. I’m up to 7,500 words–ten percent done!

Been taking care of my overly dependent geriatric cat, who has to take meds every day now.

Tom “helping”

New stories are out!

An ancient form of revenge.

“Hippolyta’s Dagger” takes place at The Truck Stop in the Center of the Galaxy. It’s a fun place to be. Read some of the other stories.

If it’s precious, they can steal it.

“Seven of Swords” is part of The Storyteller’s Tarot series. I kind of copied a scene from Grim’s last book, Grimaulkin Redeemed, rewrote it, introduced a new (old) character named Tamerlane who is a bit of a jerk. Just a little bit.

Coming soon: War Mage: The Extended Edition.

Busy

I have no excuse for February, other than putting together the podcast “Small Publishing in a Big Universe”.

March, though, I helped out my publisher who put out a submissions call for the Dragon Gems program of short stories. So many people replied (175 or so) that he needed help weeding out the good stuff from the chaff.

At first, I concentrated on the “art” of the story. Did the author tell a good story? Eventually, though, I got irritated by all the different version of “formatting” that people did. Not Comic Sans, but some were pretty dang close (single-spaced, 10 point, .rtf default). We put on our website exactly what submission guidelines were. Oh, and by the way, Scrivener can automatically do that for you in Compile. So with the second batch and from then on, the author got a letter grade taken off for bad formatting.

Some people’s writing was truly atrocious. I finally understood the whole “you tell, not show” error in a manuscript. Then I read some stuff that blew my mind and I wanted to pass it along right away to the judges with a screaming neon post-it saying “THIS ONE!”

That took me all the way through March, between reading and replying to people. Just over 50 of the 175 are in the judging phase. They went past me because either they’re great, or I was on the fence on it. Like horror and hard sci-fi ain’t my thing, but as long as the author didn’t mess up the formatting, the spelling and word choices were good, and the story kept my attention without me scrolling through, then it moved onto judging. Some of them brought a different dimension to magic that made me stop and think.

Basically, I loved being a gatekeeper (ahem, “curator”). I’d do it again in a second.

Meanwhile, what else is going on, you might wonder? Have I written anything? Not in the last two months. I attended a webinar that was “write to market” and found out that the hottest sellers are in the Romance category. Romance-anything. So I was thinking of pulling Max out of retirement and do another Brothers of the Zodiac series–this time, much longer, taking place during world history instead of American history, and explore the world a little more. Bring in the Sumerian gods? Explain what it means to be immortal in Ishtar’s service? Explore the sign itself a little more. What really happens to the immortal if he falls in love with someone?

For a fleeting fifteen seconds, I thought of a typical heterosexual romance. Then I decided I can’t do that. I know the heroines are supposed to be kickass these days, but I still like the difficulties (challenges – drink!) that M/M romance has with it.

Brothers of the Zodiac, the Next Generation. I’m starting with Aries. I’m giving myself until June 1 to get it done.

Top Ten 2021

10. “Reduction in Force” – Steve Soult (fiction, short story) You think you got it bad…

9. The Sorcerer’s Secrets – Jason Miller. (non-fiction, magic) Although he’s a little full of himself (what real practicing magician isn’t?), this is a really good introduction to magic without fear.

8. Three-Story Method – J. Thorn. (non-fiction, writing) I read a lot of books on writing. I liked this book so much that I bought the corresponding workbook which was worthless. And I liked this book so much that if you ask me now what was so great about it…I don’t know.

7. Being Indie – Eeva Lancaster (non-fiction, writing) Marketing as an indie. Useful tricks and tips.

6 “Best Served Cold” – Bob Schnoover. (fiction, short story) It’s so unfortunate that we lost this author last year. I would have loved to read what he planned to do in our Truck Stop series, and wish I could read the other stories that Analog rejected.

5. The Viking Spirit – Daniel McCoy (non-fiction, Norse magic) The warriors of the north. My kid got me interested in Loki – Marvel’s Loki. Who I think is cool, but not someone I want dating my kid. Reading this reinforced that idea.

4. The Conflict Thesaurus – Angela Ackerman, Becca Puglisi. (non-fiction, writing). I have to pick this up in paperback. It’s wasted on Kindle.

3. High Magick – Damien Echols. (non-fiction, ceremonial magic) The first book that got me on the Qaballic Kick. I didn’t need to read the other books on ceremonial magic – this one was fine.

2. Mastering Your Mystery – Cheryl Bradshaw. (non-fiction, writing) Excellent, excellent book on writing mysteries, even if they are formulaic. She goes from planning to writing to publishing to marketing.

  1. Seeker – Morgan Chalut (fiction, fantasy). Well-written, easy to read, plotted well, twists, realistic, and excellent world-building.

Takin’ my own sweet time

If you don’t give me a deadline, I assume “anytime you want”. Teen Guardians, the newest Grimaulkin story, is at 11K words because of a few reasons.

Podcasting.
Pain.
Health.
Boredom.
Lack of attention.

I do two podcasts: commercially, Small Publishing in a Big Universe; and always Dark Mystic Quill once a month on the last Friday of the month.

I have pain in my left hand due to arthritis. Forty years of typing hasn’t helped because this is not the hand that does the typing–I have to raise my thumb to keep it out of the way. All you touch-typists know what I’m talking about.

Still on dialysis. Still dealing with the heart attack (myocardial infarction). I am double vaxxed and boosted and waiting to get Covid so I can get it over with.

When I sit down to write, I only pretty much know what the scene is going to be. After that, I have no idea what’s going on with the rest of the story. And whenever I try to plot it out, I get mad at myself because I don’t want to write it out. There’s no fun in that. I have an ending in mind for the main plot, but no idea for the sub plots. I don’t want my writing to turn into a bunch of words with no story. That’s what I was afraid of with Carnival Farm–that it had no story. But it’s doing really well (I might have a double-digit royalty check this month!) despite my thinking there’s no story involved in it. It’s a book club book.

Lastly, I look around and see things I need to do. Clean the cat litter box. Read for my 2022 Reading Challenges. Finish reading this humongous book on the Middle Ages. Research, learn, and perform ceremonial magic. Do divination/spiritual explorations. Not to mention prep for podcasting and watch movies/read books at dialysis.

Coming out between February and April 1 (tentatively) is War Mage, the Extended Edition. It’s War Mage the way I wanted it done. An editor wanted me to rewrite it, which I did, and it came out as the tiny book that’s on sale now. But this one is much better. It’s only got my name, L.A. Jacob, so Jake is gone.

And one more thing: We’re doing Rhode Island Comicon November 4-6 at the Convention Center and Dunkin Center in Providence this year. There will be TONS of books (trust me, I have to carry them) from Water Dragon Publishing. Myself and a really good author from Boston, Steven D. Brewer, will be there with his short story collection. My son will be cosplaying somewhere around there, too. More information forthcoming!