05

09/20

Stress? Where?

2:58 pm by L. Jacob. Filed under: Uncategorized

Been a while. I don’t know if it’s because I’m busy or preoccupied.

My OCD has reared its ugly head again. Instead of a movie playing in my head, I have a constant soundtrack. It wouldn’t be too bad if it wasn’t so loud and distracting. I mean, who doesn’t want their playlist in their head? It’s also not the whole song, but sometimes the first verse and chorus, sometimes just the chorus, sometimes a line that plays over and over. The only thing that alleviates it is listening to music I already know well, reading, or talking. Work is mindless and it’s really loud then. Whenever I’m alone, it’s overwhelming.

The Shrink says that I’m under stress. What stress? Work, money, dialysis, lose weight, watch my diet and fluids, Covid, kid has no job…Stress? Where?

The Shrink also said is I should get back into writing (who’da thunk). Start small. Scenes here and there. Don’t write for publication, but for my own enjoyment. If a story comes out of it, all the better, but don’t aim for it because even that causes me stress. Just write. It doesn’t have to have a point or be something profound. I don’t need a story to write. I just need characters and a set. Sometimes a story unfolds itself, sometimes nothing happens. Sometimes it ends up as a part of a story, sometimes it ends up in my “CRAP” box.

I need to go back to when I was a kid and just sat and wrote. The story would show up on its own. I wrote to stop the boredom. To get out of my life. I wrote Mary Sues, fan fiction for The Dukes of Hazzard, Star Trek: The Next Generation, and fan fiction for historical events. The American Civil War was a big one. Looking back, I can see that my OCD existed even in my teenage years, because I collected everything I could find on the Civil War, the Confederate side. Because I’m a Northerner, finding Confederate stuff in the early ’80’s was difficult if not impossible because of the lack of something called The Internet–you kids don’t know how good you got it. It was also then that I wouldn’t tell people my interests. What does a girl whose family is immigrants want with a biography of General Mosby? You’re nuts, kid.

So it’s back to the old days. I saw The Umbrella Academy, both seasons. I’m not into any of the characters, but I liked the world, the music, and the action sequences. The characters were so dysfunctional that I wanted to slap them. But good story.

I started watching Supernatural. There’s a whole fan-fiction base with that, I’m sure.